Physical Media and the Disembodied Experience

Fascinating how this journal update is exactly a month later than the previous. I haven't been very proactive in writing here, clearly. I've been mostly writing in my physical journal, owing to the fact that I'm a painfully private person, and I also write that one in swedish, which connects me more to my roots.

In any case, physical media of all sorts have been on my mind lately. We managed to get our hands on a Texas Chainsaw Massacre VHS-tape, kickstarting our collection with an absolute classic - and apparently one that's difficult to find! TCM tapes can get pretty pricey, too, and we got this one at a steal (comparatively) of only 300 sek. It was very exciting when it came in today. There's just something about holding a piece of media in your hands, and knowing that the only way someone could take it from you is by straight up breaking into your home and stealing it.

It's another step on the path of becoming more.. grounded, and more offline. Everything being digitalized has done a lot to lend into my depersonalization, I fear. It kinda of diffuses your sense of identity into an incorporeal entity with no solid basis, which is going to tank your mental health quick and hard.

Been fairly consistent about working out, and I've noticed myself growing a little stronger. Unfortunately I've been sleeping like dogshit, but we've been eating very well recently. The amount of junk going into our gullets has been severely reduced, and most of what we eat is vegetables. The world of sallads is a lot more vast and interesting than one might expect. Really looking forward to making a homemade lime & chili vinaigratte to dress it with.

What else is going on. Well, a lot, in all honesty - more than can be succinctly summarized in a digital journal - but I guess that's what I've got my physical journal for. I got a Hello Kitty knife, so that's cool. Oh! I also snapped some pics when we went out for an evening walk the other day. I'll be uploading them on my photography page eventually.

When Slain asked if I wanted to go on an evening walk, I just felt my whole being light up. It just made my day.. There was no way I wasn't going to bring my camera, even if we didn't take any pictures together, I still have mementos of that night. It was so beautiful, even if we got caught in the most brutal bicycle-traffic to date, LOL.

Body Image and Strength

For quite some time I have bemoaned the state of my body. I often feel physically weak, and my joints leave plenty to be desired in terms of stability - not to mention how often they tend to ache. I've struggled with poor appetite for most of my life, and combine that with working in healthcare during the pandemic I lost a concerning amount of weight that I've had a hard time gaining back.

This delves into a lot of insecurities and vulnerabilities for me; a loss of confidence due to feeling and looking weak, and a general lack of strength striking a blow to my sense of masculinity. And sure, you could argue men don't have to all be big and buff muscleheads and you would be correct. Frankly I don't give a rat's ass what anyone else looks like or wants for themselves; what I want is an athletic build, one that makes me feel good, i.e. healthy & strong.

The past couple of days I've made a true effort to eat more than I usually do, and I've also begun a workout routine. Yesterday I did arms and shoulders, today I did my back and chest. I'm starting small, not wanting to hurt myself or overexert my body or just throw myself against too great of a task so I hit a wall and never even make any progress. I've also been stretching every morning... All in all, as I get older I grow more and more aware of how my body needs a lot more care and attention than it used to.

Unfortunately I caught a cold, so I won't be able to work out tomorrow. I'm honestly really bummed about it, which is interesting because up until now I've always found working out to be exceedingly boring. I suppose it's because I'm seeing it as an opportunity to feel and care for my body - it's almost a dissociative experience where my body is a separate entity from me, a friend of sorts, that I must care for.

Funny how things change.